Monday, 30 May 2011

"A Public Health Warning" !!!! If you're not feeling up to it I seriously suggest you skip this journal/blog entry! :) I'm giving you advanced warning that I'm not sure I have any control...over anything anymore and I certainly cannot control my thinking, reasoning, emotions and tear ducts .... Soooooo stop now if you are of weak disposition or if you don't suffer fools gladly, because this could be 'out there...somewhere' and very possibly foolish! You have been warned!!!

Ever have those moments where you just don't feel in control, life is just upside down, and you just want to run away or at the very least hide under the duvet?  Days where the only thing you seem to be able to do well is cry... if crying could cause you to loose weight.....I'd be sooooo skinny. Life just isn't fair at the moment! "All I want is a Normal Life"... my usual mantra for when things get at bit tooo much (Can I say here and now that I'm not depressed, I did once take the test at the doctors surgery {because an insistent 'trying to do good friend' insisted I should!} and failed, I  was told I thought tooo much about my answers and was too realistic to pass the test as depressed but I can feel overwhelmed sometimes...just in case you were leaning towards that after reading this :) 

So if I don't feel on top form why write...well ... 1) the house is relatively quiet..the Angels are watching 'Megamind' on DVD   ..... 2) I think you just have to get it out sometimes to feel better      and 3) I'm bored! hehehe!   I am putting all this emotionally turmoiled dippiness down to sleep deprivation and chocolate abstinensce... not even had a single choccie biscuit! Abstaining not for health reasons more the size of my hips! And I'm really hoping life resumes some form of our kind of normality very soon. Esther's epilepsy is no better, bedtimes are just traumatic and very distressing (and I write this not for sympathy {please don't sympathise} but more to record 'life' so that in 3 or 4 years when I think its reeeeeaally bad I can look back and say I got through that patch, I can do it again...make sense, also life is real and this is mine at the moment.....Ooooo could that be bordering on profound? lol!) We saw Esther's paediatrician last week to discuss Esther ...obviously! ;) And for me the meeting was quite shockingly upsetting...I don't like it when doctors tell you that its 'not good' and Ummm and Aahhh a lot...and you get a longer consultation than usual. The uproot of it all is that Esther's seizures are getting worse (for her) and we've reached the point where she needs rescue meds in case the ambulance doesn't make it on time, !!!! {that bit was a bit blunt, I felt he could have softened it a little bit!} We also have to have 'resucitation' training by the epilepsy was all a bit much for me and in true dippy style once I got home  I spent the afternoon in tears. And I feel bad been upset and moany because I know there are families with children whose epilepsy is far, far worse than Esther's, but for her and us its just a bit more than we can cope with. I hope we're moving in a direction that although could last a long time will hopefully make things better for Esther.

 Emotionally I'm struggling a little, I've been very cross with my Heavenly Father...I've pleaded with him to stop the seizures, surely been disabled is enough for my Angel to have to have, can't He take away the epilepsy? I've soul searched , prayed and really struggled with my Faith and Testimony. But I also have to say that I think without Him, without my Faith,  I probably couldn't have coped either ..Lol! I don't know the answers, or the reasons, other parents at school ask me how I can believe in a God when I have 2 profoundly disabled children....Why? ...  I've never been very good at testifying, I'm quite quiet about my beliefs, I feel things,  my Church, my beliefs and  my Heavenly Father feels true to me...and I can't deny it. I feel.... and I'm just trying to trust in Him... its hard but I'm trying (I am back om speaking terms with Him again...I was only cross with Him for a short while)

Sooooo back to the tearful fits of embarrassment, let me total up this last week... tearful on Monday when my washing machine blew the house electrics, tearful that same afternoon when the washing repair man came and told me it was dead...poor lad he was very nice but look slightly freaked out at this strange woman who burst into tears...its only a washing machine! :)   Oooo tearful on Tuesday when I saw the paediatrician, tearful at lunchtime when the washing machine man delivered my new 'singing' washer ( I actually think crying the day before got me the new washer sooner, so there are benefits to over-flowing tear ducts ...hahaha) Wednesday it was the turn of the girl at the supermarket checkout..not sure why..but why not! Thursday I think was tear-free, Friday, last day of school before the 1/2 term holidays... tears for the lady from Church who rang to say hello...I don't cope very well with people been kind and loving to me...much prefer realist cynicism :) Saturday was a chocolate comforting day..can't possibly tell you how much I ate but needless to say it turned Sunday into another tearful day after I'd stood on the bathroom scales. Its now Monday again, only a few tears today, possibly due to chocolate withdrawal all day yesterday and today...made Jacob each the last 3 strips of dairy milk chocolate...really wanted it back after I'd given it to him, but the tinker scoffed it down sooo quickly there wasn't a single crumb left! Not a bad week... ehh? Like I said I should be soooo skinny with all that water-loss!

I have tried to do a little bit of sewing in between all the emotional outbursts...
Its another Primitive Gathering kit, I can't remember the name, basket something or other, but lovely to sew as usual, I just need to blanket stitch around the edges and its finished (that's why the needle is still there...I like that needle for hand sewing..LOL!) I've also finished another block of my Christmas BOM and made a start on the Autumn blocks.... no pictures, battery went flat on my camera :(

I've also sewn some pumpkin seeds ready for planting...
I loved growing pumpkins a few years ago so thought I'd give it another try. I've also tried tomatoes for the first time but , they're  not looking so good... ,

See...nothing...its enough to make you cry! ;)    But I did get a extra treat...Keith did a 'Cuttings' class at Church for the ladies...herb cuttings etc.. and look what I got...
Leftovers!!!! I've always wanted a herb box, now I have one, I know that there's Rosemary  and Thyme I think, but I can't remember the other 2 ... will have to get Keith to give me some gardening training...hahaha! If I don't mess with them and just let Keith take care of them they could live! :))

I just have one more picture and it's likely to leave me tearful again but I just want to remember the moment....
I've never put photos of the family on my blog/journal before, just feel anxious about cyber space etc... But this is my little Angel Esther dancing around in her princess dress, and I just wanted to remember how beautiful she looked, how happy and girly she was. Its a lovely memory, a little bit come the tears... my beautiful daughter is 13 years old and  often my heart is aching for the loss of her 'normal' life, she'll never know the things Abigael and Jake do, she'll never live independently, have her own family, her own babies....but today she twirled and swirled like a princess and I loved watching her, my heart was full of love for her and the blessing she is in my life. I love my Essie-Anne.... I love Mim-Lou and Abi and Jakey tooo :)  Ooohhh off I go again...boy I hope this isn't the menopause...I don't think I'm old enough for that yet...not that I can remember how old I am...41 maybe 42... not sure and  I really don't want to think about it...but if it is menopause I need drugs!!! Lol!

I'm sorry if these have been the writings of a seriously numpty Mum today, but that's just the way my head is...I used to worry that I was borderline schizophrenic, as I spend far tooo much time talking to myself, (in my head, not out loud!) (well sometimes out loud but generally under my breath kind of mutterings!) but my Mum put me straight and  told me I was a day-dreaming-thinker... I think and dream and worry too much and it sometimes all comes out as gobble-de-gook.. Abi is always telling me to think about what I'm saying before I say it!!! :) I've caused her severe embarrassment before now...ooops sorry Abs!  I should probably call it a night now...'Megamind' finished hours ago... I suspect its no longer Monday but Tuesday already... and I'm in my usual place, on the edge of an Angels bed, praying with her that her body can relax enough for her to fall asleep, so far so good tonight and nothing as yet...but the night is still young :)
Hugs Wendy x

Wednesday, 11 May 2011

Well I never did make it back with a part 3 of our Easter adventures...not sure if there was a part! It's all a bit of a blurr! I do remember we had gorgeous weather each day and the Angels got to play outside lots and have fun. But we've also had weeks and weeks of night-time seizures with Esther, so we are all exhausted and a bit confused about time. I know I've missed several birthdays and anniversaries for family and special friends ... I think they love me enough to forgive me ;)  I will put my 'sewing' hat on and make!

Remember I mentioned about my 'meeting' with the Angels special needs professional last time....weeeeeell I had another (planned) review meeting , where that meeting was mentioned (very confusing isn't it?  hahaha) And a point (in jest) (that was my Angels Head Teacher ... she's reeeeaally funny and a great lady!!) was raised where it was noted that because I'm a stay at home Mum with two severally disabled children (the older ones are 'normal' and apparently that doesn't count ..hehehe) I could be bordering on .... wait for it... ;)   being 'socially reclusive'!!!!  well, we had a real giggle at that, and sat for ages thinking about what other 'labels' I could have ... I quite like the 'socially reclusive' though, I think I'll keep it. We laughed about 'blog friends ' and 'e-mail friends' that I chat with regularly...and are they all real... or a figment of my socially reclusive imagination!!!!  LOL!!! ( the professional obviously wasn't at this review !) It was really funny how just one flippant comment has haunted me for weeks/months now :)) But in a bid to cast my demons aside I did what all good crafty girls should do... in a bid to shed my reclusiveness ... I joined up for another 10 week course at the quilt shop in Southport (where I went for my crazy wool quilt classes last year...but this is just a general sew and mingle class) and ... and  ... I've been actively (OK I made one phone call!) involved in helping a couple of friends from Church get together  each month to have our own sew and mingle and EAT day!!  I don't know about reclusive anymore, I'm more 'party all night girl' ... I've been out twice in one week!!!  ;))

 I had fun at the Southport class.... I was sat next to a lady whose 'neighbor's-cousin's-friend' spoke to 'Royal Kate' in Waitrose supermarket in Beaumaris (Anglesey, Wales, I think?) she even checked out what she had in her trolley { the 'neighbourscousinsfriend'... not 'Royal Kate', :) I'm sure she wouldn't be checking out some old biddy's shopping trolley!}  Are you keeping up? Its good stuff this! ;)(rather a full trolley, apparently 'Royal Kate' says she needs to make a list next time otherwise Will will get fat eating everything!!) How's that for rubbing shoulders with Royalty!!! I can't wait to go back tomorrow and hear more.

Then I went along to my 'Church' sew and mingle group, unfortunately it was my turn to bring soup and bread...and here's where I had a dilemma! Each time one of the other ladies has brought soup its been 'homemade' from the fruit of the to speak... You all know I can't cook, so making soup is just not going to happen...BUT... I wasn't about to turn up with a couple of tins of tomato soup ..not even Heinz's! Lol! So I had a plan!!! On the morning of our group meeting ( once everyone was off to work, school and I had no spies!) I take my soup pan (that's what I put the Heinz's in!!) to the supermarket and buy several cartons of freshly made soup (Cauliflower and Mature Cheese) Then back at the car I pour the soup out of the cartons into my soup pan and ttaaadaahh!! Homemade 'looking' soup!! How ingenious am I!?? Apart from the big soup splash over the back seat and a few odd looks from other shoppers filling up their cars it all went very well .. and did I get caught out?? Course I didn't!! I kept schtumm and just dished it out...there was a tricky moment when I got asked about ingredients...(cauliflower and cheese ?!) But I think I pulled it off and next time, so that I can keep up with the other 'homemakers',  I'm going to get Abigael to make a real 'homemade' batch of soup... so how's that for forward planning!!??

Two sewing groups in one week, any sewing ? LOL! Just a bit, I've managed to make a start on my Heart to hand BOM's...
Block 1... not sure I've placed that bottom zigzag strip correctly but it should be easy to reposition if needs must!
Blocks 2 and 3 ... I love the garland in block 2 but the ribbon-ed bow gave me a teensy bit of grief in block 3...actually looks better in the photo that in real life...hahahaha!
and finally where I'm up to right now, Blocks 4 and 5... Love, Love LOVE !!! the Father Christmas, and I've not even finished him yet :)
 I already have block 6 prepared ready to applique place and sew. My BOM's for the Autumn quilt arrived eventually after a slight detour with Mr Import duties & Tax Man ( booo-hoo) and I've got the backgrounds prepped, I just need a quiet day to trace and prepare the appliques and I'm away. Unbelievably I'm pretty much up to date and don't reeeaally have any catch up to do ... I think that's the beauty of have the BOM's arrive every other me longer to complete them ...but so far they are a dream to sew and I haven't got distracted ...yet! anything else :)

 I was feeling soooo pleased with myself that I decided to make a special fabric folder to hold my blocks so that I don't have to fold them....
Not the most cleverest of things but I was pleased with it. I have seen Block 'Rolls'  but I was worried I'd squish the ends, this was my own little idea and I used fabric from my own stash. I actually picked some fabrics that I didn't mind if I messed up with... as opposed to my heavenly wools, but it turned out better than I thought and the fabric has grown on me again ;)  then because the folder was sooo big I decided to make a very simple bag to hold everything in ...

It doesn't look very big but it is :) When I'd finished sewing  and put the handles on it was swinging done past my knees ( I'm only leeettle!) so I just put a knot in the handles (my own little bit of expressive!) and I'm very pleased with it. A bit plain but I like plain...I like pretty too, I just have issues with ric-rac and bobbles ... lol! Never lies how I want it to. :)) hahaha! So have I been a good busy girl? Yes I have! Am I ready for a chocolate biscuit? Too right I am! :))

It's time for my lunchtime nap, before the Angels get home from school and Esther's bedtime seizure shenanigans start again ... I feel like an old lady taking naps during the day but at the moment I need it and its helping :)
Must find that Choccy biscuit first though ;)

Hugs and Kisses Wendy x